It was comedian George Carlin who said that the American people like their BS right out front where they can get a good strong whiff of it. And this is why they elected and re-elected Bill Clinton as President. He was completely full of BS, but he let you know it. The Federal Liberal party of Canada is stunningly full of BS, but they try to hide it. The time has come in Canadian politics for honesty and integrity. In announcing my candidacy in the upcoming federal election, I would like to confirm that I am completely and utterly full of BS, and this is why I have created a new politcal party, the Lieberal Party of Canada.

MY PLATFORM

• Equalization transfer payments to Quebec will be reclassified as "Funding for the Arts."



• Health care spending will be increased by $300 billion.
  
  • To deal with doctor shortages, all persons convicted of marijuana possession will be given honourary medical degrees.
    
  • Funds originally allocated for purchasing private medical clinics and MRI machines will instead be used to purchase private marijuana grow operations.
    
  • The government will hire a consultant to investigate why we're spending so much on health care.


• Funding for the Arts will increase to $500 billion annually.



• Immigration subsidies to municipalities for the integration of new Canadian residents will be eliminated and replaced with $1 million grants given directly to immigrants and refugees. Bonuses of $250,000. will be given to new Canadians for each family member they bring into Canada.



• All public outdoor signs, including traffic signs, must carry every known language spoken in Canada, including brail for the visually impaired (Quebec notwithstanding).



• Immigration will be increased to 100 million people per year.



• All buildings and covered structures must be made wheelchair accessible, including barns, treehouses, sheds, outhouses, and phone booths.


• Under the Charter of Rights, all dogs, cats, and squirrels will be given status as people.



• The legal definition of marriage will be changed to include people wishing to marry farm animals, motor vehicles, and UFOs.



• To pay for my government's first budget, interest rates will be dropped from the current 3% to
  -97%. This means that if you have money, you must send 97% of it to the Receiver General. If you are bankrupt, you owe nothing. If you have a personal debt... I'll send you a cheque for the difference (I promise).



• The gun registry will be scrapped.



• The G.S.T. will be replaced with the A.Q.T. (Annoying Questions Tax) to be applied directly to people who ask everyone they meet "How are you?" without caring what the response will be.



• A new registry for small pointy objects will be created. Persons found to be in possession of unregistered small pointy objects will be ridiculed for not having larger pointy objects. The cost of the new registry will not exceed $1.95 .



• Middle-eastern terrorist organizations will be reclassified as cultural heritage groups. Memebers of these organizations wishing to promote national unity and multiculturalism will be entitled to apply for Arts Funding.


• Personal income taxes will be eliminated and replaced with the A.R.T. (Annoying and Rude Torontonians) tax premium. The surplus from the A.R.T. and from the Employment Insurance fund will pay down Canada'a debt in 3 years.



• I will make Nash the Slash the new Governor General.

MY PROMISE

If elected, I will form a coalition government with the New Democrats, and future federal elections will be put off until flying monkeys shoot out my butt. No more winter campaigns! No more snap summer elections when you're at the cottage! Choose me as your representative on Parliament Hill and I promise you will be disappointed, but not disappointed enough to want to elect someone else.

On January 23rd, vote Lieberal.


"YOUR MONEY IS MY MONEY, AND IF YOU VOTE FOR ME, IT COULD BE YOUR MONEY TOO"

Mark M.
Lieberal candidate, Ottawa West-Nepean