There can be no denial that the white rapper supreme, Eminem, likes to push the envelope with his rhymes. Because he can't use the N-word, he has to find other ways to be shocking and sound angry to be taken seriously. Kim is his real-life on-again, off-again girlfriend, one of his favorite recipients of attention, but in this song, all he does is scream at her before killing her and dumping her body in the forest. Truly tasteless and disturbing, this track fails to display any of Eminem's finer attributes and serves only as fodder to those who consider him to be a twisted individual. It's like the soundtrack of a snuff film.

Enya is one of my favorite artists, but this is by far the worst track on her weakest album. Released in 1991, Shepherd Moons was very likely rushed out of production following the great success of her previous album, Watermark (1989). If you examine the track listing of Shepherd Moons, you will see that "Smaointe..." was made in 1988, so it had to be a rejected track from the previous album and serves only as space filler. This track is very irritating in its slow pace and the instrumental chorus. This piece should have been buried with Eminem's girlfriend in the previous song. And what seriously drives me up the wall about "Smaointe..." is that it occupies a spot on the album where Enya normally puts some of her best music. "Lazy Days" on her A Day Without Rain album is the final track and one of my favorite songs of all time.

If you have not been initiated to the music of the Tiger Lillies, you might want to skip these two selections or at least visit their website first, even if you think you have an eclectic taste. Lead singer Martin Jacques (yes, he's a dude!) sounds like Dame Edna on crack, and he squeeks and squawks through more than a dozen albums backed up frequently by the accordion and musical saw. The lyrics to many of their songs would make Eminem's hair turn white. "Shoot Your Load" is pretty much self-explanatory unless you're a Swedish nun, and ditto for "Sheep", the latter track being among several on the same album dealing with bestiality. How's that for a concept album? And that was one of their earlier albums. One has to wonder how the three band members (Jacques and the two Adrians) came to an agreement that it would be a good idea to sing silly songs about having sex with giraffes, giant flies, baby cows and hamsters. To their credit, they followed the bestiality album with Shockheaded Peter, an album about misbehaving children dying for their sins (based on the stories of 19th century German author, Heinrich Hoffmann). Anyhow, "Sheep" is actually a last-second addition to this list. I can't say that I despise it, but I'm sure most people would call it an obvious choice for a silly list like this. At over 5 minutes in length, this love ballad to "Wellington" will either offend you or annoy you. I still think "Shoot..." is the Tiger Lillies' worst track by far. It is very slow, lacking a tempo or any kind of redeeming qualities that would make you react in any other way than with digust.

Stompin' Tom is a Canadian cultural icon, though I have no idea why... I'm not saying that all of his music sucks. Far from it. "Big Joe Mufferaw", "Bud the Spud", and "The Ketchup Song" are some of my favorites. The two turkeys entered above, though, make me cringe when I hear Stompin Tom's voice rise and fall on some of the high notes. His musical tribute to country singer k. d. lang (made before she "outed" herself as a vegan butch dyke) is unorthodox and particularly condescending when he describes her very animated performance style. It almost sounds like he is singing, "She dances around like an orangutan". Yeesh. Such a musical tribute is unprecedented outside of rap and hip-hop circles. Oh, wait, I completely forgot about Alan Jackson's tribute to country bad boy Jimmy Buffet. I've never been a fan of artists who pander to their audience, and Stompin' Tom is one of those singers that croons about everything and everyone around him like they are his favorite. In a way, his propensities remind me of that episode of Family Guy poking fun at Randy Newman... "He sings about whatever he sees!".

I don't care that Johnny Cash is a beloved American legend. I am far from the only person who believes that Johnny is responsible for some of the best songs ever written as well as some of the worst. Bad music is bad music, and the last album he released before his death contains two incredible clunkers. That album, "American 4; The Man Comes Around", is the fourth album in a trilogy (!). Is there any doubt that all the best songs went on the first three albums? Johnny's voice and his overall health were failing him in the latter stages of his life. It's too bad that he felt compelled to do these albums in the first place, but the manner in which he did them compell me to believe they were made as a joke. Each song sounds like it was recorded from a single take. Is that really how little respect Johnny had for the artists he is covering? Lonesome was recorded 50 years earlier by the immortal Hank Williams Sr.. Johnny's cover is so bleak, it makes the original version sound like Mary Poppins. Bridge is one of the most famous songs in all of music history, released in 1970 by Simon and Garfunkel. I cannot think of two voices more diametrically opposite than Garfunkel's and Cash's. Worse yet, at one point, Johnny reads the lyrics à la William Shatner doing "Rocket Man". He is off-key for the entire song, and when Fiona Apple moces in for a duet of the chorus, both performers are out of synch. I think this is why most musical performers rehearse. However, to show that Johnny was not solely responsible for these recording sessions, a fifth American album was released after his death. As I have not heard any tracks from this album, I'll let you decide if it was a fitting tribute or a money-making ploy.

When you hear this cover of one of Johhny Cash's most famous songs, one of the most famous in all recording history, you can understand why he started doing covers of other people's songs late in his life. It was for revenge! Leonard Nimoy, best remembered as "Dr. Spock" on the original Star Trek television series, actually believed that he had artistic talent when he and William Shatner ("Captain Kirk") put out several albums of music both together and as solo performers. If Leonard was not so adamamnt in telling people "I am not Spock", Star Trek fans might actually enjoy this song as it sounds like it was crooned "in character". God help us if Spock ever tries covering Stompin' Tom!

Oh God, not another cover of Simon and Garfunkel... Yes, Bridge Over Troubled Water is one of the most covered songs in history, and Aaron Neville performs it in his ubiquitous (if unintentional) parody of "Buddy", the Scott Thompson character on "The Kids in the Hall". Google it to find out what a clever little remark I just made. Ha! Seriously, though, I have never heard a cover of this song that makes me want to listen to it rather than the original. And Neville's adaptation is just pure exploitation at its worst.

Hmmm, where do I start? A washed-up country singer best remembered for her chest size than for her talent decides to put out an album of classic rock covers. Oh, wait, that was done several years earlier by Pat Boone, so she scores no points for originality. Like Boone, she did a cover of Stairway to Heaven which brought her much publicity (quite undeserved). If you recall about 25 years ago, "SCTV" did a TV-commercial skit for an album called "Stairways to Heaven". The fictional album supposedly contains 30 different versions of the Led Zepplin song covered by various artists as performed by the SCTV actors. One of the singers they spoofed was Dolly Parton. So, in effect, SCTV correctly predicted the future. Spooky! Someone should point that out to George in Arnprior. Perhaps we should expect Simon and Garfunkel to make it to outer space too? Anyhow, back to this cover of the classic song by The Animals, Dolly Parton didn't just make it worse by turning it into pseudo-country music, but she also changed the lyrics to suit her needs. The fact that this song was meant to be sung by a MAN didn't give her a clue that maybe she should have left this one alone.

I first heard this song in my car while listening to the local oldies radio station. To their credit, Oldies 1310 in Ottawa really does play more songs per hour than anyone else, mainly because they play the first 2 minutes of each song before cutting to another song. So my pain at hearing this piece of garbage was ephemeral, restricted to the long monotonous repetition of the song title throughout the first 2 minutes. Here, you get to sample the uncut version. After the third minute, the song disintegrates into sounds of aircraft engines and bagpipes. Seriously! And this was written by a psychedelic band in the 1960's, the same band that created the original "House of the Rising Sun". I don't know about you, but I didn't think drug-consuming hippies in the 60's were into kilts and combat. So many contradictions in one song!

This one is courtesy of a former co-worker who made the mistake of making me listen to an entire David Bowie album. Coincidently, he is also a big Neil Young fan. There are not many bigger oxymorons than "big fan of Neil Young" in my opinion. Do women really throw their bras at an aging performer who sounds like an 10-year old girl with bronchial pneumonia? Anyhow, my compatriot assured me that David Bowie is a versatile artist who changes styles frequently. In other words, he's the antithesis of Aaron Neville, and while that sounds like something optimistic, it's not. If you're going to experiment with different styles, shouldn't you make sure you're talented and you've exhausted the artistic possibilities of your previous style first? And what style do you call it when Bowie sings an entire song in monotone voice like a robot? Is this supposed to be new-age or what? David Bowie is no Moby, that's for sure. Oh, wait, I see the reason for the robotic voice... the future, robots, high tech... Very clever (NOT). God forbid Bowie should ever think he's Elvis and start doing gospel albums.

You've probably heard the "dogs barking Jingle Bells" song by now. It has turned up on television and in films like "Roger & Me". What you may not know is that there was a whole Christmas album of this stuff! This version of Rudolph... is so bad it will make you wince before you are overcome with boredom when the barking and mewing stops and you find yourself amidst a long instrumental stretch in the very middle of the song. But it's all in the good spirit of the holidays, right? Isn't Christmas the time of year when suicide rates are highest?

One of Canada's most famous and influential artists, Cohen has created volumes of poetry, novels, and several albums. He was inducted into the American Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, not because he is a rock & roll artist, and certainly not because he can sing. Even Cohen admitted as much when he said that only a country like Canada would give a Juno award to a guy who can't sing. Leonard Cohen without his female backup singers would be akin to Hugh Hefner without his Playboy bunnies; he'd be just a creepy old guy. Anyhow, this track comes from his 1992 album "The Future", an altogether good album before you reach the last two tracks. I guess even Cohen is not above padding out an album with dreck, and this uninspired, rambling composition runs for an unfathomable 8 minutes plus. The track that follows it, "Tacoma Trailer", is also crap, but it is an instrumental piece that sounds like it was acquired in a trade from Yani. "Always" was originally written by Irving Berlin, and you can tell because it totally lacks the creativity of a poet putting verse into lyrics. The "chatter" of the backup singers is especially annoying in parts of the song, giving the impression that you're not even listening to a real song but, instead, an informal rehearsal or a casual evening party. If you ever fantasized of spending a casual evening soiree with a 70+ year old Buddhist who thinks about sex all the time, this track will appeal to you.

Let me make something very clear... The title is misleading. There's no cussing in this song. No doubt the members of this assembled-by-committee boy band would have their mouths washed out with soap by their mommies if they ever became Slim Shady wannabes. Instead, we have to listen to a lot of mushy sentimentality (probably written by the same committee) that young men in their age group are incapable of feeling or knowing. I know, I know, this song was not meant to appeal to me because I lack a vagina (contrary to what some of my critics think of me). My decision to include this song here is simply because it was a big hit and received a lot of play time on the radio, thus annoying me to no end. Speaking of play time, are the band members coming in from recess yet? They'd better finish their recording careers before their voices break and they end up waiting on Macauly Culkin at the local Denny's.